Dearest #2

I know I am disappointing you. I know I am acting crazy. I know I am doing so many wrongs. Unfortunately, I dont know how to get pass this hump this time. i'm just looking for a quick fix right now. i just need to get pass these next few days..... that's it. but i cant have this distraction.

i know you see me. i know im failing you. but im so so so tired of being tested. ive struggled and struggled. and ive worked so hard to overcome the challenges. the tests in life to make me better and stronger... i just can't do this right now.

i'm sorry. i know i'm hurting you.

The Uncertainty of Life

You know, i keep putting myself out there. i keep giving to you everything i can, trying my best to prove to you that i can be a great woman in your life.

when you broke up with me, you left me for someone. you pretended to keep me safe by not telling me but inreality, you were protecting yourself.

then you come waltzing back in my life as if nothing happened. claiming there's a reason you're single. but that's not the signs you gave me.

and finally, when i lay my heart down again to you, vulnerable and true, you again trample on it. you claim to always be there. but you're not.

you're not here now. and you weren't here then. and you won't be there later.

i keep letting you break my heart. i keep letting myself be sad. i keep letting myself be hurt. i keep letting myself be vulnerable. i keep opening myself up to you.

you keep hurting me and its not fair.

i deserve to be loved. i deserve to be respected. i deserve to cared for. i deserve to have a good man. i deserve true love.

i dont know where my life is taking me, and i dont where i'll go but i can't keep waiting for you and i can't sitting around hoping you'll realize im good enough for you, and i can't keep letting you treat me like crap. i dont deserve what you're doing to me. i don't deserve the pain. i don't deserve to be sad.

you dont deserve my friendship anymore. you don't get to feel like it was okay. you don't get to mend things anymore. you've made me bleed too much, and what was once a chance to heal that wound, is no longer a chance. i will never forget what you've done and what you've put me through.

i will find strength to get through this. i will find my way through this cloud again, just like i did before. so i know i'll be okay.

you don't get to keep hurting me, mike fuentes. no more.

Dearest

I'm not sure what's going on right now. I'm tired. Please help me. I don't understand. Why come back into my life? I was doing just fine. i was okay. i was stronger, better, focused and no longer tired.

I'm trying. but i just need so help. some clarity. i know i need to go forth. i know i need to do this. whatever happens that day, is in your hands. im working. im trying.

why is life so hard? why is life so complicated? why so many trials and tests?

how much longer? when will it be my turn to stop feeling like this? to stop feeling empty, to yearn for comfort and love from all people and places?

lighten the load, please?......................

i dont know what to do anymore. i try to not think anymore. the words "i will always love you" and "i will always care about you" means nothing to me.

now i get to wait for this pain to numb me and i go back into protective, cold mode- again.

Not a statistic

so randomly thinking, I google "doctor's divorce rate." apparently there is no clear answer to this search. however, what is said to be common is that there are higher divorce rates among couples that marry before med school. and that there is higher divorce rate among couples that both aren't in the medical field.

does PT count as a medical field? surely yes right?

and what if we make it? what if we learn from this and realize we don't have to be the statistics of a divorce rate but the statistics of a hard working, loving, supportive couple.

now im scared.

what do i choose? be the doctor that i know i can be? be the doctor ive always dreamt of? or pick a new road where i wont be as likely to be a divorce rate? but how can we just assume? even the article from a lawyer's office said that doctors have the same divorce rate as the rest of the public.

love is so so sacred to me. i refuse to be a divorce rate.

so now i feel, with all this love i feel for him, if he can't support me through this. if he feels that this already is too unbearable. then i can't let this be. no matter how much i love him.

i can't be a divorce rate.

Pain, is what you feel when you think about it

I've never hurt like this before. I sit here, trying so hard to stay distracted. to find things to do. to make the most of myself. i struggle to be strong. i struggle to not break down. i struggle to not cry. i struggle to not think of him. i struggle to feel better.

i just want to stop this. but i feel like the only way this stops is if he comes back. im miserable. i cant breathe. i can't stop thinking about him. i cant figure it out. why doesnt he want to be with me anymore? how can you love someone but not say that this is it? how can you tell me to let go? i cant. i dont want to.

i love you so much mike. i wanted, i want to marry you. you are my everything. how can this be it? i cant believe this. i cant absorb it. i dont want to. i cant be without. i cant live without you.

how can you believe that we should be apart? i thought you were the happiest with me? but it appears you werent. i just dont understand. i cant seem to figure it out.

why did you hold it all in? why didnt you talk to me? why did you let it get so bad?

i hate you. you broke my heart. you are breaking my heart. you lied. everything you told me before has been lies. you dont believe anything you say. you talk all this talk, but never walked any path you preached. i hate you. i hate you that i am miserable. i hate you that i cant eat. i hate you that i cant think. i hate you that i cant breathe. i hate you that im depressed. i hate you that im sad. i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Broken

i'm exhausted, tired, worn out, and hurting. i've lost my best friend and i'm afraid that i will lose him forever. i don't know what to do any more. i can't eat, sleep, think, or focus. i'm broken.

To hurt, or not to hurt?

July 15th, 2009: Mike Fuentes broke up with me. He said I didn't give him enough time, and attention. That i was cold, and made him lonely. He said that I studied too much, and couldn't give him just one day out of the week to make time for him.

sigh. i tried. but my worst fear has come true. i feared that i would push him away, and i tried so hard, and worked so hard to not do it. i tried to keep an open mind and an open heart. i never complained.

what about all the weekends i hoped to spend with him, but he went to SA instead? what about all the holidays I was left alone to cry of saddness. what about all the time that i attempted to make plans for us, but it fell through cause he was too busy. what about all the times i tried to convince him into making love to me, but he was just too tired.

what about how busy he was? i never took it to heart. i never felt like he was neglecting me. i just said, he's gotta work.

what happened to talking things out before it got too bad? what happened to keeping an open communication channel?

what about love?